


my little electric heater

by chewhy



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Emo Teens, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Writer AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 04:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14730417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chewhy/pseuds/chewhy
Summary: they're just trying to make it in this harsh world





	my little electric heater

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dearfelix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearfelix/gifts).



> oh my god this is such a mess forgive me, there's so much backstory that i didn't write so it's probably really confusing and i wrote it in a bunch of chunks and then forgot what i wrote and am just posting it without editing because you deserve to read this sooner rather than later when it's only going to get messier whoops sorry condy i love you

Felix often wonders what’s worse. Loving your family but being chased out and away to starve on the streets, not only feeling hungry for food but also love, or making the choice yourself to cut everything off, to never look back at the years of hell you endured in a space that was supposed to be considered safe. 

 

He asks Jisung one day, around the holidays. Outside, everywhere you look there is a commercial with at least three smiling faces looking down at you, a perfect little family telling you that this is the time to sit by the fireplace with Mom and Dad, holding hands and exchanging love and presents. “Do you ever miss your family? Do you think you’re ever going to go back and visit them someday?”

 

Jisung stiffens up for half a second before he’s relaxing around Felix again. Without the reflection of Jisung’s face in the black window, Felix would never have known the anguish on his face as Jisung says in a cheerful tone, “What do you mean go back? My family is all right here.” Jisung squeezes tighter, and Felix holds on. 

 

They might not have a fireplace, but they have their little electric heater, they’ve got steady jobs and they have each other.

 

He has the answer to his question now. 

 

—

 

It wasn’t easy, the first few months. Felix lived out of a bag, staying a month at his cousin’s house, then another with a close friend. Felix genuinely doesn’t know where he would have been if it hadn’t been for Chris, who offered him a room and a job. 

 

Sure, construction isn’t ideal but it puts food on the table, and later when he moves into a one-room apartment with Jisung, it provides the rent so they can stay together. Plus, he likes being able to move his hands. It makes him feel useful, being able to see real products to his labor. 

 

Maybe that’s why he can’t find himself following his dreams when he’s awake. They’re too intangible. 

 

His car, on the other hand. It’s something he can work on and polish, find the spare parts and build it back up from scratch. It’s his child and his baby, and sure he lives in an attic above a garage but he owns what’s in the garage and that’s what matters. 

 

He isn’t stingy either, which doesn’t help matters back at home when Jisung yells at him for dipping his hands in the savings for another “small treat” that adds up, but it also means that Felix will drive Jisung to work first, and then himself, and then later at night he’ll drive around town, here and there and nowhere until finally Jisung is finished with his three odd jobs at who knows what time in the morning and they can finally go home and pretend to sleep. 

 

—

 

“Cigarette?”

 

Felix shakes his head, not bothering to turn his head to look back at the intruder. 

 

“Suit yourself,” Changbin says, crouching down next to the ledge where Felix sits. “What are you doing out here so late?”

 

Felix shrugs. He feels once again like that kid that first came to Korea, not knowing a single word anybody spoke to him. None of the thoughts swirling in his mind make any sense, in English or Korean. 

 

“As long as you’re not here to jump off,” Changbin speaks into the air around them. He blows out a puff of smoke, and Felix watches it swirl into the air. “You seem like you have a lot on your mind. I’m not saying I’ll listen, but I promise I won’t talk.” 

 

So then Felix sits there, letting the silence stretch on for a few more moments before he cracks like glass in cold nitrogen. His words fumble out of his mouth, a mixture of English and broken Korean. Suddenly he finds himself sobbing, the gross, ugly kind where you can’t breathe and the air feels like it’s being forced out of your lungs around you and your brain feels like a pebble being thrown around your head as you start to fall and can barely even hold your own body up. 

 

Eventually, his ragged breathing slows and his eyes focus back down on to his feet where they dangle in the air. Changbin takes a few more puffs before he stands up, brushing off his pants with a rough pat. “Are you done?”

 

Felix nods, feeling a mixture of that cathartic release and also a little bit of embarrassment at crying this hard in front of Changbin. 

 

“Okay. I’ll drive you home.”

 

And that’s that. 

 

Felix is quiet in the car as Changbin steers them along the empty roads, sniffling a little here and there from the leftover tears and snot that’s accumulated on his face. 

 

“Wait,” Felix says as they’re stopped at a red light. “My car.”

 

Changbin is silent although Felix knows that he heard. “My c—“

 

“Yes, your car,” Changbin huffs. “I heard. What do you want me to do, go back now? I can drive you in the morning if that’s what you're worried about.”

 

Felix thinks about it and decides that no, he needs the semblance of tradition right now. “I need my car. You can let me off, I’ll walk.”

 

Changbin is silent again, but Felix doesn’t repeat himself. There’s a moment during which Felix wonders if he should just open the door and get out, but suddenly the light turns green and Changbin is shifting the gears, one, two, step and with a squeal and a screech, the tires point them so they’re facing back the way they came from and fast, almost too fast, the pass by street after street in the dead of the night, Felix’s body jerking as they swerve around corners until they’re back and parked in the lot where Felix’s car sits waiting. 

 

“This is a good car,” Felix whispers with what’s left of his breath after it’s all been taken away. 

 

“What, you didn’t notice sooner?” Changbin grunts parking the car and unlocking the door. It’s a cue for Felix to leave but he doesn’t. 

 

“I was kind of busy crying. Why do you work construction if you can afford this?”

 

Changbin cocks an eyebrow and gives Felix a look out of the corner of his eye. “What, you can’t afford a good car if you work construction?” Felix just waits and Changbin sighs. “My dad owns the company. I majored in Lit. And I hate being inside.” If it’s supposed to make sense to Felix, it doesn’t really but his ears catch on Lit before he finally turns to open the door. 

 

“Okay.”

 

—

 

He’s late and Jisung is standing outside, shivering with the thin hoodie the only protection he has against the wind. Jisung hurries in and shuts the door, rubbing his hands into his thighs, and then up against the warm air of the heater before giving up and sticking it down Felix’s neckline. 

 

“Ow, hey, what the fuck?” Felix says, jerking to the side. 

 

Jisung just laughs, “It’s your punishment. You’re late.” When Felix doesn’t laugh back, the smile falls off of Felix’s face. “Are you okay?” He sniffs the air. “Is that _smoke_? Have you been _smoking,_ Felix?”

 

“What? No!” Felix protests. When Jisung is silent, Felix sighs, “No, I promise I haven’t it was just one of my coworkers. I’m sorry I’m late.”

 

The frown stays on Jisung’s face and it just etches itself deeper the faster Felix drives, but Felix can’t help it. All he wants to do right now is get themselves home and in bed so they can sleep and then wake up tomorrow and pretend everything is going to be okay. 

 

—

 

The next day, Felix takes some cash out of their savings again, but Jisung doesn’t have it in him to do more than smile ruefully at him as he accepts the bouquet of flowers.

 

“Since when were you such a romantic?”

 

“Since I met you.”

 

Jisung fakes a gag, but Felix sees out of the corner of his eye as Jisung lifts the roses to his face tenderly, inhaling their scent slowly and deeply before letting out a soft exhale. When they get to the next stoplight, Felix turns his head completely to watch Jisung unabashedly because the rosy tint on those cheeks is what roses are named after. 

 

“Felix! Go!” Jisung says, laughing. Felix jolts as he looks back up and realizes it’s a green light and has been for around ten seconds. Luckily, it’s late and nobody else but them are awake to drive through the night. 

 

—

 

Jisung gets off work early one day so they get home at 9pm instead of 3am. They call it getting off early from work instead of Jisung getting fired because he yelled at the manager for trying to scam an old lady because it’s easier to think about that way when they have the rent due next week and their heating’s already been turned off. When Felix picks him up and drives him home, they sit in their apartment unsure what to do next, so used to living off of five hours of sleep that they can’t possibly force themselves to sleep earlier just yet. 

 

“So. Do you want to watch a movie?” Felix asks. 

 

“Sure.”

 

Felix finds a pirated version of Up and by eight minutes in they’re already sobbing, clutching each other’s arms as they whisper, “This is so sad why are we watching this” and “I love you so much” and “Oh my god relationship goals minus the sad stuff”. 

 

They make it through the rest of the movie with minor bickering and commentary until the credits are rolling and Jisung is shoving Felix away, “They are happy tears, damn it, you’re crying, too, so don’t make fun of me!”

 

—

 

“Morning, Felix!” Woojin chirps to him the next day. “You seem happy today!”

 

“Yeah,” he says. “I am.” There’s not much need to elaborate because finally, for the first time in a while, he really feels happy again. Maybe it’s for the best that Jisung lost his third job because it just means that they have more time to be together, and it seems like that’s just been what they needed. 

 

But then Felix starts to forget, and he starts driving around town again, forgetting that Jisung finishes now six hours earlier than he used to, and every time Felix digs into their savings it’s a bigger percentage for the same amounts, and they start to grate on each other’s nerves. 

 

Felix just wants to be able to talk about it to somebody other than Jisung, but Chan’s done more than enough for him and he has nobody else so he finds himself staying later and later with Changbin at nights until finally, Changbin offers him a solution that’s less dangerous than driving but equally risky. 

 

—

 

_Perhaps it wasn’t heartbreaking, but rather heartwarming. The only issue is, as much as a fire can warm you, if you get too close then it burns. It’s a shame there isn’t a better warning than the colorful flames flickering in and out, casting light and darkness as it beckons you in, closer and closer until like a moth alighting on a candle, you burn instead of finding comfort and home._

 

_It starts in the chest, and it’s slow, the way it moves out, creeping down your arms, alighting each fingertip until you’re blazing with warmth but then you reach the end of the page, the chapter, the story and you wonder, “Is this all? Is this where we end?” And like a bucket of ice-cold water, the embers are doused and all that remains are the damp ashes of something that once was everything._

 

“Well, kid,” Changbin says, pausing to take a long sip of his coffee. “You really feel like that?”

 

Felix just shrugs, then hesitates a moment before giving in to a nod. 

 

“You of all people should know that Jisung would be there with a broom and dustpan, picking up every speck. He’s not somebody that closes the book, satisfied. He’s going to go out there and publish fanfiction longer than the original series.”

 

Felix is blushing like mad at this point, but he finds that he likes the warmth and that it doesn’t actually burn. “Well. I wouldn’t know what a fire feels like anyway. We’ve only got an electric heater.”

 

Changbin rolls his eyes. “We’ve got work to do. Your tense is all over the place, and it’s mostly just depressing. As much as people find these things cathartic, you want to get them through more than half the book without throwing it out in a fit of tears.”

 

“You didn’t cry, though,” Felix whines. 

 

“I am stone. Nothing can hurt me.” There’s a pause and Felix scoffs. “Okay fine, I cried a lot, but I iced my eyes so they wouldn’t swell up.”

 

—

 

“Felix. You’re late again,” Jisung sighs, sliding into the car. “Were you with that Changbin guy again?” There’s an edge to his voice that Felix doesn’t like to hear.

 

“Jisung, please.”

 

He doesn’t answer and it’s silent for the rest of the ride back.

 

Finally, back at home, Felix decides he’s had enough and pulls Jisung back when he stands up to leave the room. 

 

“Come on, Jisung. You know it isn’t like that with me and Changbin. The guy gets fucking strawberry cream cheese on an onion bagel, you know I wouldn’t fuck with dudes like that,” Felix pleads. 

 

Jisung turns with a huff, but there’s a smile on the corner of his face as he shoots back, “Oh, so guys who get olive spread on onion bagels you’re down to frolic with? I see how it is, Fe— oomph!” Jisung falls back into their couch that doubles as a bed as Felix tackles him in a giant hug. The springs creak under them and Felix can feel Jisung shivering underneath him from the cold, but as long as that smile is on his face they can pretend it’s laughter.

 

For now, this is enough. 

 

—

 

Jisung finds a new job, gets fired from another one of his old, and then gets another new job. It’s enough for them to live with a little more ease, but it also means that their schedules are now flipped completely, and it feels like they haven’t seen each other in months. Even though Felix feels warm at night, he’s empty when he’s awake and that’s what he misses. 

 

But then it snows, and Changbin brings him a gift under the white sky and Felix runs home giddy and tearful, but the happy kind. He keeps himself up with pinches and smacks that he doesn’t really need because the adrenaline is enough until Jisung steps through the front door, surprised to see Felix awake. 

 

“Hey, what are you doing up so late?”

 

“I wanted to give you this,” Felix says, pushing the gift from Changbin, still unwrapped, forward across the floor. _Maybe we’ll be able to afford a table now_ , he thinks amidst the nerves. 

 

“Oh? Is it Christmas already?” Jisung asks with a small smile as he gently picks at the tape before giving up and ripping the paper to shreds. The paper is beautiful, but it’s what’s inside that really has Jisung glowing. “A book? Funny how we don’t have any of those around our house. Thank you, Felix,” Jisung says, and even though Felix knows that Jisung is confused, he also knows that Jisung is being absolutely sincere in his gratitude. 

 

“No, you idiot. Look inside,” Felix says. 

 

“What’s this?” Jisung asks, tears slowly starting to well up as he sees the author’s name on the cover, and the three lines printed on the page behind the title. 

 

“It’s a dedication, dummy. I could never forget you, you’re my everything.”

 

_For my electric heater._

_I would call you my sun, but it’s too far away._

_I’m warmer when you’re by my side_. 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [[twitter](https://twitter.com/2jaepg)] and [[tumblr](http://busanjeongin.tumblr.com/)]!  
>  **kudos and comments always appreciated!!!**
> 
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